1TO10REVIEWS

My Review: 8

Buying goods at a Costco brick and mortar store requires a certain kind of mind-set. If you are in a hurry, you should not go to Costco. If you are tired or cranky, you should not go to Costco. But, if you want to browse around, buy goods at a great value, and/or have a great return policy to in the event of problems, then Costco rules.

The variances between certain stores make it difficult to specify a lot of hard and fast attitudes. For instance, does your Costco have the full cold cases at the back of the store with fresh foods and designer cheeses, or only one simple cold case with a few deli type items? Does you Costco make rotisserie chickens? At the checkout lines, do they offer bags, let you purchase re-usable bags, or hand out boxes from unpacked deliveries? These things affect the overall experience.

But if you enjoy commerce, and you like buying new toys (or a lot of damn food) then Costco can be a magical place. I remember the first time I shared it with my friend Rochelle. Having never been there, she had adopted a supercilious attitude about it, bemoaning the excess of American commercialism and excess. But once she walked around, and saw the shiny electronics and flat screen TV’s on the front, right-hand side of the store, she was as much in heaven as the most hard-core consumer. You can’t help but be excited about all the quantity.

Currently I live close enough to Costco that I can walk there. Having done so, I don’t know if I can give it up. Sometimes I still drive (if we’re buying things that are too heavy or too bulky to carry) but it’s so exciting knowing that I can walk there. Sighhh. But crossing the acre-long parking lot (after parking at the rear to avoid the competition for spaces at the front) contains a special joy. Perusing the various samples can be joyous and exhilarating.  (Although it is irritating when people wait in line, clogging the aisles, before the samples are ready.)  Eating an over-sized hot-dog and a soda for $1.29… sometimes I am overcome with emotion. Is it joy, nostalgia, indigestion? I’m still not sure, even after minutes of self-examination.

As long as I am ready for the crowds, mentally prepared for the long lines and the over-stimulation, buying goods at Costco remains a wonderful and exciting experience, even after 20 years of shopping from Price Club to Costco and beyond. The jury’s still out, however, on Sam’s Club.

My Review: 3

You know what sucks? Getting pee stains on the front of your underwear. You know what else sucks? Having poo stains on the rear.

Really, these events are great reasons for buying dark colored underwear.

Some friends used to call me doody-pants, because I once asserted (while drinking a lot of Saki) that everybody accidentally poops in the underwear once in a while. No one was willing to admit that they suffer from this problem, and I had to suffer the indignity of an unfortunate nickname for several years. But I don’t care what you call me, the fact is, I’m right. Everyone lets a little bit slip once in a while.

It might be pee, because you didn’t shake enough at the urinal and you put it back too quickly. But, as my brother always says, “if you shake it more than twice then you’re just playing with it.” Or, you might just be in a hurry.

Also, you could hav ejust laughed a little too hard and let a little pee spray out That sucks, but it does happen.

And everyone, seriously everyone, has a little poop staining on the back of their shorts once in a while. Maybe your ass-hair is too thick and poo gets caught in it making it too hard to wipe it all off. Maybe you were in a hurry and didn’t get to wipe as much as you’d like. Maybe some jerk left the Cottonelle wipes open and they all dried out. Any number of reasons could account for poo stains, up to and including the kung pao chicken that they made a little too spicy last night.

Poo and pee stians on your underwear are not fun. But they are not the end of the world, and rest assured that you are not alone. They rate a 3 out of 10 because they can be uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, but hey, life is a little uncomfortable and embarrassing.

My Review: 4

Meetings, in general, are difficult to like. They can be fun, with the right group, and if they are stay relevant and on track. But too often meetings end up lasting 6 times longer than necessary. Right now, I am sitting in a meeting that started at 10:00 AM. It is currently 2:40 PM. We broke for lunch (about 20 minutes) but basically its been straight through.

Jeremy (a friend who writes a blog called Live Digitally) once said that he thinks meetings should never need to last more than an hour. I buy into that philosophy, and here’s why:

• Once you go past 1 hour, you are probably beyond the attention span of most of the participants
• If you have more to talk about than you can fit in one hour, you are probably trying to do too much in one meeting
• Or, you have more people in the meeting than really need to participate

Now, a good meeting can actually be pretty enjoyable. You feel like you accomplished something, you reached consensus with a group of people you trust, and you have a clear plan of action to move forward. And you did all that in 51 minutes. That would get a 7 or 8 in my book, because there is a lot of satisfaction in work done well.

But too many meetings run over long, with too many people expressing dumb-ass opinions that don’t move the topic forward. So on the whole, I have to give “meetings” (in general) a score of 4 out of 10.

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Update 8/23/2007

It is now 4:13 PM, and I have been in the same meeting for more than 6 hours.  Sighhh.

My Review: 1

There may one day come a time when the subject of a review will receive a 0. For the moment though, as the title of this blog is “1 to 10 Reviews” I will restrict the lowest possible score to a 1. And cubicles receive that score. They suck.

Thus far in my professional career, I have avoided cubicilism, or the state of being ensconced in a cubicle for the 8 working hours of one’s daily life. I am opposed to the cubicle on moral as well as practical grounds - I believe they are wicked and immoral.

Ok, that’s kind of hyperbolic, but I still don’t like them.

It’s hard to explain why I dislike cubes so much. Office cubes I mean, the type like you see in the movie “Office Space.”

I think they simultaneously restrict and expose the self. You are shut up in a public space; that’s something of an oxymoron, but maybe that’s part of the reason I dislike them so much. There is a serious lack of privacy (if you need peace and quiet for making phone calls for instance), but there is also this weird type of territory that is created, carved up and doled out in the use of cubicles.

The office in which I work installed some cubicles recently. I politely requested to have space in one of the offices (with a window and a door) that were still available, and I was much relieved when my request was granted. I would probably have gone into crisis mode had I been asked to occupy a cube.

The point here is that the cubicle lifestyle is not for me. I think it makes a person feel exposed and confined at the same time, and neither of those are good feelings. I oppose the cubicle lifestyle, and I rate it a 1 out of 10.

My Review: 8

Sol and I are sitting in the Capitola Mall south of Santa Cruz right now. We’re in line, sitting in camp chairs, outside the AT&T store. We are waiting for the opportunity to spend $600 and buy an 8GB iPhone. We have problems.

But this was really the way to do it. The Apple store is cool and all, but they are way over crowded, whereas the AT&T store in the Capitola mall is way more off the radar. So, instead of getting in line last night at 6 PM and standing there for 24 hours, we were able to come over here and get in line at 10:00 AM today, and we’re still like 12th in line.

So now, it’s 3:00 PM, we’re still feeling good, and we’re only 3 hours away from purchase time. And we’re styling too. Sol brought along a projector, speakers, extension cord, power strip, a macbook, and Star Wars. So we are projecting Star Wars onto the ceiling of the Capitola Mall - everyone in line is pretty stoked on us as a result.

Here is Sol and I in line; Star Wars is projecting upwards.

Our friend Sheree works here in the store - she wouldn’t tell us how many phones they have to sell, but she seemed optimistic about our odds. We’re feeling pretty good about our prospects. The questions is, do I keep it, or try to make some money on Ebay? All the nerds are incensed by the idea of NOT keeping it, but I am still on the fence.

I’ll update later on after the sales process happens - in the meantime the atmosphere here is festive and pleasant. 3 hours left to go. This event gets an eight, cause it’s ridiculous. David, signing off at 3:00PM, Pacific Standard Time.

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Update #1 - 3:51 PM (PST) - Friday June 29, 2007

Lauren Sagar from the Santa Cruz Sentinel just came by to interview all the crazies that are waiting for the iPhone. She seemed duly impressed that we were screening Star Was on the ceiling, not to mention the water bottle full of Jack Daniels that we offered to share with her. We also shared with her the fact that Starbucks around the corner has been very generously coming by with snacks and treats for all of us hungry gadget freaks. Oh, I also got a phone call form my mother. She seemed awed and a little exasperated (in a kind, motherly way) that we were so committed as to wait in line for 7 hours to buy a really expensive phone.

Lauren Sagar - Santa Cruz Sentinel

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Update #2 - 12:36 PM (PST) - Monday July 2, 2007

So, I think we need a little closure here. We finally arrived at 6:00 PM on Friday evening. The moment of truth. The culmination of 7 hours in line waiting to buy a phone. Right till the end I wasn’t even sure I wanted one. But I am here to testify. I am here to tell it on the mountain, ‘cross the oceans, in the valley and over the river… the iPhone kicks ass.

After waiting that long I had to purchase the thing; but the computers were running slow, so I had some down time. I went over to the demo model and started screwing around with it, and OMG it is so cool. The interface is easy to use, the screen is crystal… I’ll stop here because I may do a whole separate review of the thing. But suffice to say that I like it a lot and I am definitely keeping it.

In regards to the experience of waiting in line for the launch and purchase of the iPhone, it was pretty fun. Star Wars was a big hit, even with the security guards. Around 4:30 the Cingular store closed up shop and kicked out all the customers. Then at 6:00 they re-opened to allow us nerds to come in, 7 people at a time, to purchase either a 4GB or an 8GB version. Needless to say I went with the 8GB. Armed security guards stood at the store entrance to maintain order and keep things under control. By the time 6 o’clock rolled around the line had swelled to around 150 people. I’m certain that those in back did not manage to get a phone - brutal.

Sol and I were 15th and 16th in line , and it took till about 6:30 for us to get in the store and make our purchases. I’m glad we weren’t number 62 and 63; the anticipation at that point would have been irritating.
All in all I have to say the experience of waiting in line for the launch and purchase of the iPhone merits an 8. It was a circus. And circuses are fun. Except for the clowns; those dudes are creepy.

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Post Script

An interesting after note. Remember Lauren Sagar from the Santa Cruz Sentinel? Well she did a write up of the iPhone experience. Sol and I made the front page. If I can get a hold of a clipping I will scan it in and post it here. Hooray. We’re famous.

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Update to the Post Script

Here is the front page photo (bottom half) from the Santa Cruz Sentinel. Mardi Browning at the Sentinel very kindly sent me a copy, even though it was over a month after publication. Thanks Mardi.

By the way, the green water bottle I’m holding… yeah, it’s full of Jack Daniels.  Hoo-rah.

My Review: 4

When people say “let’s eat in the cafeteria” I do not get excited. I mostly feel glum. Cafeteria food is rarely excellent; in fact it generally sucks. Cafeteria food (by and large) is created out of budget priced, substandard ingredients by food service employees that rarely make more than minimum wage or have much in the way of training and experience.

There are exceptions. I’ve been told that Google’s cafeteria kicks ass. Lots of things about Google kick ass, so why not the cafeteria? But, I do not work at Google, and so most of my cafeteria experiences have been shitty.

Another Google Cafeteria Pic

The food is often geasy, it’s heavy on carbs and starches (cheap filler) and the meat is usually of poor quality andpoorly prepared. Sometimes they have a salad bar. Yay. Cheap greens with canned vegetables.

Cafeterias also remind me of certain things, places, and events. My freshman year of college (Go Gauchos) I lived in the dorms and ate in the Cafeteria - all the food you could eat, as long as you got there on time. All the gross food you can eat at the De La Guerra Dining Commons.

Also (and this one makes me smile) I am forced to remember Bluto Blutarski and the Food Fight scene in Animal House. What a fantastic scene. What a fantastic movie.

But, overall, I can’t help feeling negatively about Cafeterias, the food they serve, and the terrible, defeated ambiance they promote.

A 4, and that’s generous.

My Review: 7

Some men have a juicy butt. By juicy I mean large and in charge. Round and a little bubble-icious. This can be difficult. It can cause something of an emotional self-image crisis. But, for some people, no amount of exercise will exorcise your butt. Some of us will always have a round butt.

The trick I have found is to own it. Own your ass. And I’ll tell you something else. There are women out there (plural, they come in droves) that dig a good butt. Lots of women really like it when a guy has some junk in his trunk. I can attest to this because I have been hit on for my wide ass. And I am ok with it. More than ok - it’s become an asset. Pun basically intended.

So, my advice to you (if you are a man with a round butt that sticks out) is not to buy overly baggy clothes in a vain attempt to de-emphasize your ass. You’ll never succeed in de-emphasization. And Im not preaching the other extreme either. No need to buy tight shorts or invest in spandex. But own your ass. Be proud of it, don’t fear it. Let the ladies love you for it… cause they will.

My Review: 2

I think that U-Haul pretty much sucks. It is convenient to have a place where you can rent large trucks and other vehicles which are otherwie unavailable to the average citizen. But in general they suck. Here is a short list of what can (and often does) suck about U-Haul:

1. You make a reservation for a rental, and when you come pick it up it is not there. Too bad for you.
2. You call to confirm your rental before you come get it and liars assure you that is ready to go. (See #1)
3. Boxes are expensive there.
4. Rope and tape are even more expensive.
5. Sometimes you crash into things with a large truck. (Never happened to me, but several friends have had incidents. Truthfully that one can’t really be blamed on the no-talent ass-clowns at U-Haul - any large truck might cause similar issues.)
6. They keep older trucks in their fleet; older trucks with no air conditioning that you get to drive when it’s hot outside. That sucks.
7. Their staff is slow and incompetent - especially at large U-Haul central locations.
8. The small, independent gas station affiliates are difficult to deal with and have small parking lots that are difficult to maneuver.
9. 

The only thing I kind of like about U-Haul is their color: orange is a sweet color. For that reason alone they avoid the low grade of 1, treading the murky water of poor performance and keeping their lips barely above the suffocating water line with a narrowly achieved 2.

Rating: 6

If you’re a man then you have hair on your ass. Some women also have hair on their ass usually in the form of peach fuzz (hopefully). I don’t have too much hair on my ass, but I’m a hairy guy and I, admittedly, have my fair share of ass hair. I’d love to tell you that I’m proud of my ass hair and that if you stood me next to other guys with some ass hair, my ass hair would stand out as particularly attractive ass hair. In fact, I’d love for my ass hair to be a source of pride. But, alas, it is not. Ass hair, in general, is just ass hair.

I have many times pondered, “what is the purpose of ass hair?” I’m sure you’ve wondered too. Luckily for the loyal readers of 1to10reviews, I have discovered the authoritative work on ass hair purpose.

Here’s a tidbit of what the following link contains:

“I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a
towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the
cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.”

http://www.team-ninja.com/vbulletin/archive/index.php/t-10185.html

Based on this review, I give ass hair a solid 6.

I have a headache. It gets a 2.

Headaches suck; sometimes your head hurts in the back, and sometimes it hurts at the temples. Once in a while it even hurts in the very front.

If you have a great deal of stress or tension you may develop a headache. If you hit yourself in the head with a hammer you might also develop a headache.

Sometimes a headache can really make you feel miserable emotionally, especially if you do have stress, or you are upset for other personal reasons.

There is one good thing about having a headache. If you have a headache, it means you are still alive. Only living people can feel pain; dead ones don’t mind so much. That is the only reason it gets a 2 and not a 1.

Here is an article from Wikipedia, written by people who are probably much smarter than me (and probably much smarter than you if you are reading this blog) about headaches.

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This person definitely has, or will have a headache. Avoid this situation:

Bad Headache.jpg